Today I went to a high school graduation.  It was pretty thrilling.  I also have a new best friend.  His name is Sarcasm:

He and I go everywhere together.  One time, we went to a bonfire on the beach of the ocean.  The party was actually not that fun.  All they had to eat there was chicken, and who the heck likes chicken??????? Because my friend Sarcasm is so outspoken and hard to control, he made some hurtful but witty comments about the party and the person who threw it.  Needless to say, we were shunned.

We found a cat on the road it had been hit by a car very sad but what can I say Sarcasm would not let me stop. He ran over it again, then backed up over it, then said some more witty comments, then drove away.  I think he was drunk.

We then ate at Chef Wiu (which serves Italian food, contrary to popular belief), where they actually serve dead cat but they call it chicken.  I don’t see the reason to lie about this fact because I happen to like dead cat.  I eat it all the time and sometimes I even go out in the mornings and hunt and then make a cereal out of my kills.  It’s better to get your food nice and fresh because otherwise who knows where that stuff has been.  Like this one time, my friend Sarcasm had a chocolate bar.  He gave it to me, but not before he did some gross stuff with it (use your imagination…).  And I ate it.

Because chocolate bars are supposed to be brown, right?

Well, lesson #1 of the night: Do not eat stuff that is brown, because then it is impossible to tell just where it has been.  Trust me, I definitely knew where the chocolate bar had been right after it put it in my mouth.  I actually liked it.  It changed my entire perspective of food, and now I like to try new and exotic things.

Did you know that there is a species of cat called the exotic????????? Yeah.  I didn’t either. Until today.

Also, on average, men spend about 28 minutes in the bathroom in the morning while women spend on average 32 minutes in the morning (John Tesh Radio Show).  Fascinating, right?

Also, turtles breathe out of their butts (common knowledge).  Yes.

Today my friend Sarcasm and I did something bad, aka something bad. You may be wondering what we did.  Well, I can’t tell you. But it has something to do with this joke…….

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard.  I just got laid by some chick.

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Funny, right?