Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Feathery Hope

Tuesday, January 16th, 2018

A fragile and feathery hope grows in my chest
It tickles my ribcage and brushes against my cheeks
Like the kiss of a bird’s wing as it takes flight.
The moment suspended
Between the weight of the world
And the unburdened sky.

Small and tender hearted
This alien thing grows inside of me.
At night I feed it quietly with whispered dreams
And words I am too afraid to say aloud.
I do not yet know whether it will become
Friend or foe to me as it grows.

My mind crushes it slowly with sharp edges
Predicted in the cloudy sphere
Of crystal balls and etched lines in overworked palms.
But still at night, when the lights have disappeared
It is just me and the nascent hope
Evolving to be something more than me.

I refuse to let it die but only acknowledge it
In moments of secrecy stolen between
Sorrow and high-soaring ecstasy.
If I look it in the eye and declare its name
It may just consume me whole
Before I know how to control the chaos it brings.

I know I have been unfair to you
Born of such happiness and light
But forced to be a creature of darkest night;
I made you into this monster
Out of the fear that if I held you too tight
You would disappear faster than a bird taking flight.

Now you are with me forever
Etched into every bone
Like the words of a love letter
That never found a heart to call home.
This ribcage you once inhabited
Transformed into a cage you will never escape.

I feel you waking up again
Testing the limits of your confines
With a wingspan broader than the horizon.
I hear you tapping against my bones
A morse code warning of all we could be
Or a threat that soon you may break free.

My chest creaks under the pressure of your presence
Small yet persistent, this fragile thing
Begins to break through my bones
Like a flower growing through the cracks in the pavement
Yearning for the sun’s light and fresh air.
I can contain you no longer.

Will this creature be beautiful or broken?
Maybe it will be a bit of both.
Heavy with my whispered dreams and secret hopes
Will it be able to take flight?
My fragile and feathery hope takes wing
Leaving me behind to wonder at our small destiny.


Fox Trot. April 1, 2013

Monday, April 1st, 2013

Day One.

Trap snapped shut
Bones crack like the crackle of fire
Hair bristles like a soldier’s salute to the grave
Arms folded like American flags
Trying to pull in the pain
Gathering it slowly like a child to your chest
Cradle this cacophony of chaos
Like a bullet ricocheting in your brain
I am the fox with barred teeth under snarling lips
Peeled back like onion skin from the bone white beneath
With frantic eyes and fearful heart
Waiting for the hunter to find me.



Monday, January 2nd, 2012

They had nothing to say to each other. All had been said for them behind walls, and curtains that veiled them from choice. Just as he now stands separated by a veil again, but one of a different origin this time. The veil that separates him from childhood to manhood as his bride walks down the aisle. He has never seen her face before and knows not what lies behind this barrier except for his future. He wrings his hands behind his back with fingers that shake and sweat. He is not ready. He wishes he could run or cry, do thing that a child would do. But he can’t as his future fast approaches down an aisle graced with flowers and the whispers of a family divided by a thin line. A line between exchange of goods and exchange of humans, they wonder if there is a difference.

The son knows the difference as dread fills his heart. How could he love a woman who is only a girl. How could he love at all because he is only a boy. The unfairness of it all drips down the back of his throat like poison that hardens his heart. This is no day of celebration, but a day in which a boy’s future dies. He turns his eyes away from this long walk so he doesn’t have to look at his wife.

She reaches his side and they both feel it. The palpable tension of futures stitched together like two cars crashing into each other. Neither looks at the other as the ceremony begins. He is numb as the venom spreads throughout his limbs. She is terrified as fear wracks her body, making her rigid and brittle.

This is the end as they turn to face each other. The veil between future and past is all that is left. With trembling fingers that are clumsy with anxiety, the boy lifts his hands and slowly pulls back the veil. Her eyes are squeezed shut as if to deny the reality of this moment as he looks down at her. She slowly opens her almond eyes and looks up at him with eyes dark and hazel and full of fear. She sees the fear within his own dark amber eyes and knows this is it.

This is the only future he could have ever wanted as a grin softens his face. She is as beautiful as he could have ever hoped. He is as kind as she could have ever dreamed. They just stand there and smile at each other as the veil falls to the ground. He found love in her eyes and she found love in his warm hands. They didn’t need years to get to know each other; all they needed was a moment to know this was right. So they turned together hand in hand to face the world, wanting no other future than the one they had.

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Posted in Stories |


Friday, April 22nd, 2011

A tiger is an extraordinary animal. Strong, powerful, graceful, and dangerous. Not to mention beautiful, the tiger is an embodiment of the savagery of nature that man attempts to tame.

It is sad to see these majestic animals in a zoo, but I am still glad that I was able to see them. It makes me wonder what it would be like to face these animals in the wild as I have seen wolves, coyotes and foxes. How different would this big cat be? Would I be filled with terror or awe as I stared into the mar of these magnificent creatures?

Someday I would like to say that I have done just that. looked this beast in the eye without bars between us. Only then could I or anyone really understand the breadth of the difference between the lives we lead in the city and the life of the creatures in the wild.

For now I will just have to do with looking deep into this creatures eyes as bars separate us.

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Posted in Photos, Thoughts |

Words Within

Monday, December 20th, 2010

Can you see me between the lines of this poem
Peaking out behind the imposing columns
Of the words that I have created
Yet which are slowly uncreating me.

Can you find me in the contours of every word
Molding my body to shape of the letters
That makes up my very essence, my very soul
They are my children that have one by one left me.

Can you search for me when I am lost in this forest of words
When they consume me and leave me for dead
Will you be there waiting to help pick up the ruin of who I have become
Or will I be left alone with the whispers of the words begging to be born.

Can you distinguish the person who I used to be
From the creature that the words have made into me
I am afraid of the darkness that hides within the words
Lurking in the shadows of every line I write. It is watching me.

Can you read the words imprinted on my heart
That left burning scores tattooed in my skin
As I tore the words from my body
And lay them down as a sacrifice to you.

Can you understand the agony I have suffered
From you merciless gods who pick at these words
That are pieces of my being and lay them to ruinous waste
Leaving me in tatters only to rise again to create.

Can you believe me when I say this is my purpose
This is the reason I live and breath
The words that I breathe life into
Breathe life back into me.



Sunday, May 30th, 2010

I think it is time for me to share with you a story very near and dear to my heart; the story about why I am afraid of spiders.

Let me start off by saying that I wasn’t always afraid of spiders, I was never very keen on them but I didn’t freak out on site about them. I just thought they were disgusting. Living in a wooded area with a canyon in my backyard, naturally we have lots of spiders in our house. About every three months or so, a giant spider pops up in a very inconvenient time or place. Normally in my room and most recently in the bathroom. They just show up out of nowhere and they are ridiculously huge. Honestly, it just makes me want to yell at them “Where in God’s name have you been hiding all this time to grow that freakin big!” When I say big, I mean big. Most people don’t believe me, these guys are so big, you can’t really squish them because they would explode and create a black hole due to its collapsing mass. Seriously, they are too big to squish.

So my story begins about three years ago at midnight. I was the last person up doing homework and watching some T.V. when I finally returned to my room to go to bed. Low and behold as I go to my closet for clothes do I spy a huge spider in the crook of my doorway. So I back out slowly, an evil plan forming in my mind of all the devious ways I could squish this giant sucker. I grab a big book and sneak back over to my door.

Side note: the picture of the spider above, this one in my doorway from so long ago was much bigger.

So I wryly look down upon this spider and smile knowing soon it will be dead and I can sleep soundly tonight. So I smash the book against the door frame and grind it in a little just to make sure it is dead. Just as I am about positive the thing is one hundred and ten percent dead, this monstrosity climbs over the top of the book and up my arm. At first I didn’t do anything because I was so shocked but then instinct kicked in along with a lot of cursing. I fling my arm back trying to get the thing of me as I am screaming and listing of a laundry list of profanities. Then I think I feel it on my back, which I realized was my pony tail only after I ripped off all of my clothes trying to find the spider. After the inital horror subsided, knowing the spider was not on my person, a new horror dawned on me. As I turn around and follow the trajectory the spider must have followed after its sudden flight from my arm, I find my bed right in the line of fire. After desperately searching the floor to find the spider but to no avail, I am forced to acknowledge the fact that, that monster spider is somewhere in my bed right now.

Yes I know, Karma right, this is what I get for taking a small amount of pleasure in killing this spider.

So I frantically rip off all of my sheets meticulously searching for the spider. In the end nothing. I found nothing, anywhere. I searched every foot of my room but couldn’t find it. Let me tell you something, I never found that spider. Never. The only thing I ever found that may have been the spider was a small crinkled ball of something I tried to convince myself was indeed the dead body of that spider that haunted my dreams. All so I could sleep soundly in my bed again without jumping at the slightest tickle on my legs. Thinking that it was that horrible spider that got away.

I never got over that thing, so to this day I am horrified by spiders. So every time one of these giants shows its ugly head I scream like a little school girl and run to my dad to go squish the big meany spider.

So to all of you arachnophobes out there, I am right there with you. Oh and here is another creepy spider shot, just to make you cringe. I know I will.



Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Here is a little known fact about me, I am actually very afraid of roosters. Not chickens.. just roosters. They are beautiful creatures but very nasty. I really enjoy looking at them but I know not to get to close to them because they are very territorial and won’t hesitate in showing you how they feel. There is just something very threatening about the way a rooster looks at you. Especially  ones like I was taking pictures of in San Juan Batista. They were everywhere, it felt kind of like a cult of chickens, it was slightly frightening. They were all over the place, even on the mission. All watching me, getting ready to attack.

I am not sure why they scare me so much, I guess scared isn’t the right word, I am extremely wary of roosters. I feel like you can’t trust them. They seem deceptive because at first you go in thinking, Oh look at that pretty chicken!

No, sorry not a pretty chicken a mean rooster with big claws. So I stay my distance and mind my own business. Oh, and of course, why did the chicken cross the road? To join the cult of chickens on the other side to attack an innocent girl. Enough said.